cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.