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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.