[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
catch me on valentine’s day like
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit