The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
ugh not again
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on