May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]