Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray