“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The struggle is real
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”