Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.