[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.