I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Why I divorced her.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Facebook Twitter
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion