If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.