Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*orders delivery*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My what?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause