I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Breaking news:
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.