Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.