*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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Every BBC series about the universe.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.