WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex