“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.