I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Thank you corporation very cool
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.