“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.