The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Spring of Deception
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds