Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You Might Also Like
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.