If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is