The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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Sooo many times…..
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.