me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt