What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
never ask a starfish for directions
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?