[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
is this meant to deter me
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.