<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
This classic never gets old . . .
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1