COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?