me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I want this so bad
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored