*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Safety first