Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
You Might Also Like
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it