After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.