I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My last name is Zilla.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Labreador
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…