Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?