I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.