CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.