If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango