She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler