“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
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I have never related to a cat more
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Whoa 😂
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what