pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated