” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.