Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
this has done me in for some reason
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.