INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
You Might Also Like
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Rooting for the overdog
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.