can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
he’s doing your taxes
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree