10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.