I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Love is in the air fryer.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals