Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.