Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
“A little help here, Danny?”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs