If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar