i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
This forever.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?